But, oh how I wish it were.
Seeing all of your beautiful, healthy, smiling children today was both heartwarming, and heart wrenching. Only for the fact that my children aren’t doing the back to school thing today and, as a result, I was hit with waves of sadness and jealousy.
Elijah will be returning to public school, but as he is still in Ontario, he is missing his first week of Grade 2. So, expect that back to school photo next week. Cody has already agreed to take it for me.
In the mean time, Elijah is having a blast. So is Elliott. They are getting so much time with their cousins and aunts and uncles, great aunts and great uncles, grandparents and great-grandparents that they otherwise would not have had. Judging by the photos I get sent daily, the boys are having an awesome time.
What was hard about today’s back to school photos was being forced to remember that Ezra is not going to Kindergarten. Ezra was that kid who couldn’t wait to go to school. While Elijah would have been happy to do another year at home, Ezra wanted out. Ezra wanted to make new friends, learn all his letter sounds, and figure out how to read.
Ezra will still learn all those things here with me, and he may even make some friends in the cancer ward. But that’s not exactly what we had hoped his first year of school would look like.
As a general update on Ezra, he’s had a pretty good day today, and a pretty good last week. We were at the hospital for an appointment for most of the day today. Our third chemo day as an outpatient. I find these days frustratingly long as there is a lot of waiting around, but I guess that’s not totally unexpected in the world of medical appointments.
After his appointment, Ezra was his usual happy, funny, and chitter-chattery self. He talked all the way home and even decided he could walk from the car to the elevator. While not a long walk for you or me, it was much longer than anything he’s done in over a week. So, that was nice to see.
You may also notice Ezra’s face is considerably larger. He is also larger in his torso. That rapid change is being caused by some of his medications, and the obsession with food the steroid he is on has caused. We have been reassured his face, and body, will return to its normal size, eventually.
I also cut his hair on Sunday. He didn’t want me to shave it right off, as he is firm on wanting his hair to just fall out. But, we were able to compromise and cut it much shorter. This has made all the hair on his pillow, and anywhere else he sits, much less noticeable. It was starting to look like we had a pet cat.
Today at the hospital we were just about to leave when Ezra said, “See mom, I am going to be like that kid.”
I first started to look around cringing at what I might discover he was pointing out. In paediatric oncology there’s all kinds of new things to see and explain.
Thankfully the boy he was pointing at was just another bald cancer patient. What Ezra meant was that he was going to be bald, like that boy.
I took this as a good step in the direction of acceptance. Ezra has been anxious about losing his hair, and understandably so. The kid has never been bald. He was born with a full head of dark hair and two very dark eyebrows.
Baby Ezra
Before anyone else asks, no, Ezra does not want you to also shave your head. But, thank you for offering.
When he was told he would lose his hair, it was explained to him that unlike older men who lose their hair and then are bald forever, Ezra is young and his hair will grow back.
Ezra understood this to mean that anyone older than he is runs the chance of being bald forever. He has even woken up twice in the middle of the night to tell me to make sure Cody does not shave his head. He won’t even let Elijah get a really short haircut. He is firm in his decision that no one else needs to go bald.
So, family and close friends, do not fret. You will all get to keep every hair in your head. Ezra does not wish for anyone to join him in being bald, if being bald is at all avoidable.